


Mistakes

by Starhunting



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Everyone knows they're in love with each other except for them, Happy Ending, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean, Idiot Cas, Idiot Dean, Jealous Dean, M/M, Miscommunication, Sam Just Wants Some Peace
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 17:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19233364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starhunting/pseuds/Starhunting
Summary: (I posted this a long time ago then took it down. Here's attempt #2)Dean overhears the wrong late-night conversation between Sam and Castiel. Angst ensues.





	Mistakes

Sam stayed up late, sitting on a chair in his room with a book in his arms. His usefulness likely waned away completely hours ago, but he promised Garth he’d try to find something to help. The word ‘Djinn’ had never brought up as much hate in him as it did now. He had been up so long the words on the page were starting to blur together. 

Castiel popped into the room with the sound of fluttering wings, causing Sam to startle and drop his book. It landed on the bunker floor with a heavy thunk.

“Sam,” Castiel said, “I need your help,”

“Jeez Cas,” Sam huffed, calming himself, “What’s wrong?” Unease settled into Sam. Cas never came to just him. He always went to Dean first. He hauled the heavy book off the ground and placed it gently onto his desk. He tried to ignore the little rip in one of the pages.

Castiel’s face scrunched up as if he were trying to pick his words, then, “I… need your assistance. I have come to the realization that Dean means a great deal to me, and what I feel is not entirely platonic. In fact, it is not platonic at all,”

Sam’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Castiel came to him for love advice? About his brother? 

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I told you, Sam. I need your help. I do not know how to approach Dean with this. I feel that if I were to simply tell him he might never speak to me again,”

Sam considered this. He also considered his other brother’s many conquests, all of them women. He considered their experience with Adam. He remembered teasing Dean about his “gay thing,” and the stilted, “Shut it, Sammy,” he got in return. No, Dean probably would not react well. He then considered the countless staring contests Dean and Cas had shared. All the freaking tension he got caught in with those two in the same room. At least, Dean wouldn’t react well at first.

“Er, well, you should probably just tell him, okay? Nothing will-” he couldn’t believe he was having this conversation, “- nothing will happen if you never say anything. He’ll probably freak out but, uh, I think he might feel the same way,” he desperately hoped this conversation could be over now. Sam had no problem using feelings to get people to open up for a case; he did object, however, to helping an angel bag his brother.

True nervousness seeped into Castiel’s features, making him tense and his eyes panicked.   
“I can’t even begin to imagine how to go about this. I have never felt this way, Sam. What will I say?” Sam sighed. The angel watched him hopefully. 

“Try and tell me how you feel, then,” Sam relented, trying to stave off a yawn. Why did Castiel have to come so late?

“I - It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. He is constantly on my mind and I can’t focus on anything until I know he is alright after every single hunt and there’s so many emotions rising up all at once. It’s so frustrating because these emotions all so new and I can’t-” Castiel spoke so quickly, Sam could barely understand him.

“Whoa whoa whoa, Cas slow down. Look, uh, maybe it’ll be easier if you pretend like you’re talking to him. Say what you want to tell him to me, and I’ll tell you if you need to change anything,” Sam could hardly believe the words that left his mouth.

***************

Dean had been walking down the hall just after grabbing a beer from the kitchen when he heard Castiel’s voice through Sam’s door. When had he gotten here? Dean reached for the metal handle, but paused when he heard Castiel’s words.

“- felt this way for a long time. I couldn’t name what I what I’ve been feeling for you. All these years by your side, becoming more human in the process; I didn’t realize until now just how deeply I’ve fallen in love with you,”

Dean’s heart seized. Cas, in love with Sam? Dean’s mouth went dry.

“Wow Cas, you really feel that way?” Sam’s voice was thick, astonished. Dean retreated from the door, practically running down the hall. 

He collapsed onto his memory foam bed, wishing he could forget. Instead, Castiel’s heartfelt confession repeated endlessly inside his head. 

‘I’ve fallen in love with you.’

Dean could hardly count the thousands of times he’d dreamt of those chapped lips forming those words, earnest blue eyes gazing at him. He had been grappling with his feelings for years now; but Dean couldn’t bear the thought of his confession driving Castiel away. If he confessed it all and scared Castiel away, he didn’t know how he’d live with himself. He had always told himself he could be content with the friendship he had with Cas. He could ignore everything else, if it meant keeping the angel in his life.

He could never have anticipated this.

****************

“Wow Cas, you really feel that way?” Sam asked, voice thick with fatigue. 

“I do. I did not realize the words would come so easily. I will go to Dean tomorrow. For now, you should rest,”

Castiel was gone as quickly as he had come.

 

"Dean," Castiel said, announcing his presence. Dean didn't turn from the impala's engine. Castiel closed the distance and placed a hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean tensed.

"Dean, I have something important I must-" Dean shrugged his hand off. Confusion and doubt began to take root inside Castiel.

"Now isn't a good time, Cas," Dean snapped. He hadn’t gotten any sleep last night; his eyes were dark with fatigue. He ducked under the hood further, reaching at something Castiel couldn't see. Cas let his hand fall to his side, lips pursed. His confidence began to fade, but he refused to leave without doing what he had come to do. 

"Dean please. I wish to tell you how I fe-" Dean suddenly swiveled around, eyes shuttered. He tossed the tool in his hand carelessly onto the floor next to the toolbox. Grease coated his calloused hands.

"Look, Cas, I already know. I'm not in the mood to hear about it right now," Dean grabbed a rag from the box of tools on the floor to wipe his hands off with and made to stride past a momentarily frozen Castiel. Cas stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. 

Voice wobbling, the seraph asked, "What do you mean you already know?" His heart thumped so hard in his chest he worried he wouldn’t hear Dean’s words.

Dean rolled his eyes, looking everywhere but at Castiel. "I heard you 'n Sam talking last night, alright? And honestly, I don't want to deal with this right now. Hell, I don't ever want to deal with this. You do whatever you want. We don't need to have this talk, okay?" Castiel jerked his hand away as if burnt. Castiel found himself unable to look at Dean.

"What do you mean?" Castiel's voice barely reached Dean’s ears. His hands trembled. Dean sighed. 

"I don't care, okay? I heard everything you and Sam said, I don’t need a repeat. Jus-" As soon as his words were out, Castiel was gone with the sound of fluttering wings. 

Dean ignored the longing he felt after the angel fled. He needed another beer.

************************ 

After spending a good few hours smiting demons and cutting the heads off of vampires, Castiel found himself in front of a liquor store. And then another. And another. As the night dragged on, he lost count of how many stores and bars he visited. 

After his… Tenth? Eleventh? Bartender refused to give him any more alcohol, Castiel found himself in an open field, lying on his back. Killing monsters hadn’t been enough. The alcohol couldn’t numb him enough. It affected his vessel plenty, but his true self maintained a flawless memory of what transpired.

The night (was it morning now?) was clear here. The stars twinkled above him, jovial and innocent. Those stars gleamed with intelligence. They enjoyed the beauty of the earth from a distance. Anything that drifted too close to the Earth inevitably sunk into the atmosphere and burned. Castiel understood the hypnotizing lull of the Earth, though. Castiel understood the way all the breath-taking green could draw one in. He knew the ease of drifting closer and closer until he passed the point of no return.

Castiel knew what it felt like to fall.

***********************************

The light from Sam’s laptop stung Dean’s eyes. He draped himself over his desk, head resting on his folded arms as he stared blankly at it. He had scoured the internet for any sign of the supernatural. Nothing worth a closer look came up. This only worsened Dean’s frustration.

There couldn’t have been a worse time for the paranormal to go silent.

It had been a couple days since Dean’s last conversation with Castiel. The angel’s sudden disappearance was nothing new; Cas had his own life. Angel business to attend to, or whatever. The way they had left things this time, however, made Dean feel uneasy. He could still picture those distressed blue eyes and the tremor in Castiel’s voice. 

Dean sighed and shut the laptop. He wanted to get out of the bunker. To hunt and kill and forget everything for a while. Dean usually turned to drink, but the booze didn’t quite cut it anymore; the more he drank, the more he dreamt of Cas. Dean’s subconscious had turned against him. 

He knew he needed to talk to Castiel. He had handled everything wrong, and Sam kept giving him those damned looks every time he passed him in the bunker. 

“Hey Cas, I know you can hear me. I handled everything wrong. I didn’t mean what I said, I just- look, can you come down here? Please?” 

Dean paused a moment. After no response, he said, “Please, Cas. I need you here,”

A familiar flutter of wings sounded behind him. Dean turned around to see a very disheveled angel. Grime stained his trenchcoat and grass stained his normally pristine dress shirt. His hair stood every which way and his eyes screamed discontent. Was that blood on his chin? 

Nothing compared to the awful smell wafting off the angel. Castiel may as well have bathed himself with alcohol and demon piss.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“You asked me here,” Castiel said pointedly. 

“Is that blood on your shirt?” Dean asked, unwilling to let it go. Castiel’s gaze remained shuttered and cold.

“I’ve been hunting. It is difficult to remove the head of a vampire without creating a mess,”

Castiel’s state somewhat explained the lack of monsters to hunt.. If Castiel was out there smiting and killing everything in sight, the few that remained likely went into deep hiding.

“Can’t you just smite them all?” Dean asked. Castiel looked frustrated.

“Did you call me here for a reason?” Dean frowned at him, then let out a sigh.

“Yeah. Look Cas, about the other day. I didn’t mean what I said. Of course I care about your feelings. This all just caught me off guard, alright? But I want you to be happy. Sam too. So if you’ve been staying away ‘cause of me, don’t,”

Confusion and irritation rose up in Castiel. Of course the thought of Dean kept Castiel away; what else? How could he be here, knowing what Dean knew, and knowing Dean would never feel the same?

“I don’t want to be here,” Dean looked at Castiel like he had just rammed a knife through his stomach.

“What? But - Cas, what about Sam? Don’t you wanna be here, ya know, for him? And - you’re my best friend, Cas,” Castiel shook his head.

“You are confusing me Dean. You should understand why I can’t stand being here anymore. I will always be there for you and Sam when you need my assistance, but I won’t stay here any longer,”

“So, what? You’re just gonna leave? Run back to heaven, again?” Dean sounded angry. And hurt. Castiel didn’t think he had any right to feel that way.

“I will never be allowed back in heaven. I’ve fallen. I don’t belong anywhere anymore,”

“You belong here! With us!” Dean shouted. Castiel fixed Dean with his fiercest glare. Perhaps the alcohol bolstered him now where it couldn’t before.

“You know how I feel for you, Dean! How can I be here, seeing you, talking with you, as if I don’t feel the way I do? I know how uncomfortable it makes you, but nothing will change how I feel about you. I need time,” Castiel ground his teeth together against the onset of tears, “It all still hurts, Dean. I can’t sit here right now and pretend I haven’t fallen in love with you. I care for you. And Sam. And I will always come when you truly need me. But I can’t pretend any longer, Dean. Not when we both know the truth,”

Dean’s train of thought came to a screeching halt. Cas, in love with Dean? But… And Sam? Sam and Dean? Both? Just Dean? Dean struggled to interpret Castiel’s outburst.

“What?” Dean asked intelligently. Castiel blushed, anger still burning fierce behind his eyes.

“Don’t call me again,” Castiel paused, then added, “Unless it’s an emergency,”

Knowing Castiel meant to leave, Dean grabbed on to his arm. Dean’s thoughts had yet to quiet after the startling confession from the angel. Confusion ran rampant in Dean’s head.

“Wait! Just - wait a damn minute, Cas,” Dean begged, “I don’t understand. Last night, when you were with Sam, you said-”

Castiel tried to shake Dean off, “Let go of me, Dean,” His voice held a warning. Castiel didn’t want to prolong this moment. Dean held fast and got angry - anger made the most sense right now. Anger worked because Dean didn’t want to process the fact that instead of a happy ending with Castiel’s confession, Dean faced his worst nightmare.

Despite Dean’s grip, the angel vanished. Dean’s hands clutched the air where Castiel had stood for a moment before he dropped them to his sides.


End file.
